Fear of Rejection and Expectations

You’ve reached out before for connection and someone has turned their back on you or outright rejected your offer of love. You’ve needed them and they’ve stepped away, or you’ve offered them compassion and love and instead of connecting, they villainise you. No wonder you’re intimacy-shy! Every time you reach out you fear the pain of being rejected. 
  
That can apply to your professional and creative life too. When you reach out to others with a project or idea or proposal, of course there is the risk that they don’t like it, or don’t want to take part or you’re left on your own to do it. And as an entrepreneur that is such a big fear to get over. ‘What if I offer a product and no-one wants it?’ ‘What if I reach out and make a reality out of my dream and no-one wants it? What if I’m left alone with my dream?’ 
  
We feel like we need to choose between connection/belonging and our values and dreams. We can be independent and different from others but still be connected. This is difficult to believe when you aim for perfection all the time by trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of you.  
  
Well here is some news - those expectations you think other people have of you? They’re all assumptions you have made. You have planted these assumptions into someone else’s head and now believe that that is what they want you to be. In the end, the only expectations that count are what YOU want from YOURSELF. Those you can analyse, change, adapt and continuously update so that you are being fair on yourself. It’s unrealistic to think we can live expectation-free. Our brain likes predictability too much, so it will always include some sort of expectations about you, life and everything in it. However, by constantly taking your expectations of the shelf and reflecting on them, you can make a huge change in your beliefs about the world and as a result change your attitude and experience of life.  
  
For example: It’s the wife’s birthday and she’s reflecting on her expectations of her husband’s gift to her 

‘I expect that for my birthday my husband should know exactly what I want. If he doesn’t it’s because he isn’t paying attention. I expect him to pay attention to everything I want to show me he cares.’ 

Hmmmmm. I foresee drama and a possibly tearful birthday for the couple. 

What about… 

‘My expectation is coming from a place of fear that my husband doesn’t know what’s important to me. If I don’t talk to him about this, and leave him to guess, I am setting it as a test for him. Is that what I really want? To test my husband? Would I want him to do that to me? Does it mean he loves me less if I communicate with him what I would like? My expectation seems to be very forceful and demanding, as if he is not allowed to do it any other way. May instead of expecting him to give me the perfect gift, I could communicate that it would mean a lot to me if he got me a gift that was thoughtful and relevant, and that if he wanted some ideas he is welcome to ask.’ 


By spending some time mindfully reflecting on what it is she really wants from her husband, she is now better able to communicate it and more likely to feel special and cared for on her birthday. Life is so much simpler when we are clear with ourselves, because then we can be clear with others and that improves our relationships and makes everyone feel more fulfilled and loved. 

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