Using shame to teach

I was teaching a class of year 4s when I stopped by one boy's desk to refocus him on his task. It wasn't the first time that lesson that he was looking for distraction. When I gave him a next step to follow in his task, he seemed sullen, and when his classmate tried to advise him and help, he snapped at her. 'I know. Stop telling me what to do!'. The sharp and enraged reaction, though tame by standards of school yard aggression, nevertheless spoke of an underlying sense of shame. When our faults are pointed out to us, and we see it as a negative remark on who we are, it invokes shame. If we have high levels of self-confidence, you're more likely to take that feedback as a comment on your behaviour, and assess it as helpful or unhelpful and then discard it or use it to improve your task. Such an emotional reaction was one of shame. "So what does he have to be ashamed about?" I wondered. "Whose voice is in his head telling him that he's a disappointment that needs to be corrected?" There is a pretty standard answer to this question... usually the voice we carry in our heads, constantly commenting on our lives, is an internalised voice of our nearest and dearest - parents and/or close friends.

It made me wonder what his relationship with his parents is like. Little did I know that a peek at the answer would be within 15 feet of me soon!

His two mums, a little gruff and trying hard to keep their vivacious but precocious 5 year old in check, walked into the classroom to look at his work. It was parent-teacher evening at school and they were waiting their turn to speak with his teacher. They sat with him looking through his work and made some fair but critical comments on his work, particularly on his 'terrible handwriting'. Not ones to mince words, they would helpfully point out to him where he had messed up and that in future he should be working harder in lessons. When they came across a self-portrait from art class that he seemed particularly proud of, the conversation went something like this:

Mum: Your self-portrait? Yeah we saw it.
Boy: Don't you think it's good?
Mum: Want do you want, praise? Praise for weeks for one piece of good work when there are so many bits that need improving?
Boy: ...
Mum: Yes it's good. But there can't be only one good thing and lots of poor work.

To be fair, the mums meant well - you could hear they were disappointed but just wanted their son to see how much he could achieve if he wanted to! They weren't trying to crush his enthusiasm. But it is VITAL that as adults we see how much of an impact our words can have on young hearts and minds. The voice your children hear will become their internal voice that speaks to their hearts and minds for the rest of their lives (barring a lot of self-help books and therapy). We can lay boundaries, expectations and high standards without needing to make a child feel bad. More importantly, we need to learn the difference between shame and guilt when teaching our children how to change their behaviour. However, in order to change the way we speak to our children, we first need to change how we speak to ourselves. When we use shame to influence others, it's because we feel shame about ourselves.

Reflecting on what I was watching, I wondered what was happening? What kind of processes were taking place and how did they fit into a larger system of beliefs and behaviour? If you apply a spiral analysis (observed behaviour down to internal beliefs and fears) we might find the following reasoning:

--> Parent lashes out or is critical with the child (trying to correct child's behaviour)
--> Parent is disappointed and angry with child's behaviour/output ( the child is not doing it the way the parent expects)
--> Parent is scared that child will not be successful or will embarrass parent (the child is embarrassing themselves and parents by showing that they are 'inadequate')
--> Parent struggles with the feelings of fear and being out of control because they can't force their child to fit their expectations / be the 'ideal child' (what if my child fails?)
--> Parent struggles with own issues of imperfection and worth, and their child's perceived failure is taken on as their own failure
--> The world we live in is very competitive and individualistic. (we must be good / better than others to secure our safety and our place at the table. It's a dog eat dog world out there and we can't afford to make mistakes or do worse than others!)

When our children mess up it is a huge trigger for our own insecurities. We really do mean well by using force to guide our children down the right path, but when we ignore what they feel and who they are in that moment in order to superimpose our expectations of who they should be on them, we run the risk of alienating them and making them feel like failures.

The following questions can help us reflect on how supportive our intentions and actions really are for our children:

• What will happen to my child if they make this mistake? And then? And then? (keep asking until you get to the root fear at the base of this question). For example: He has 5 pieces of unfinished work. He is either lazy or falling behind. If this carries on he will do badly at school and then he will get a rubbish secondary school. Oh no, what if he gets Finchley! What will he be able to ever achieve with his life? He'll have a rubbish job and make little money. And who will look after us when we're older? I'm scared that my child ruins his future...
• So what if that happens? (take a moment to notice the feelings that arise after this question. Maybe write them down in a journal, and just let yourself feel them without judgement.)
• If I look at the facts, how real is the risk that the above scenario will take place?
• How would I want someone to talk to me in this situation?
• This expectation I have for my child - is it really what's best for them or is it what I want to see them achieve?

Check in to my post on Boundaries and Force - how to stay firm without being a bully for more ideas on how to honour yourself and the ones you have a relationship with.